What the hell?
I don’t know.
Sometimes I think everything is good.
Sometimes it might really be that way.
Maybe I mess it up or just ruin it by seeing the cracks, breaks and mold.
The dirt.
Maybe I am not seeing what I think I am seeing.
Maybe I need to get the fuck out and wander again.
Bump into the world.
Haze.
Daze.
Maze.
Ok.
Loosing it.
Grip.
Tighten.
Hold.
Focus.
Maintain.
Ask me what I want and I couldn’t tell ya.
Try to get me to describe what, if anything, is wrong and I promise the words would be missing.
So what is the problem?
That is what I want to know!
I feel something is wrong.
Sometimes.
Usually all is good.
But like some weird little Twilight Zone kinda thing, when it isn’t right, it feels as if it never was.
Of course this sensation fades to nothing as that feeling of unease is replaced with happy times again.
And the happy thoughts seem as real as any I have.
The good, warm feelings seem real.
The touch of luxury sure seems luxurious.
And the Heat is Hot.
But Holy-Fucking-Shit!
When the evil stirs, it feels real too.
So, here I am either going insane or working my mind through something and I don’t really care which.
Worse, I am not sure what I want out of this process, if it is a thought workshop.
Do I want to figure my way through and find that all really is good, but that I have to work at happiness and that things can’t really be super-duper perfect at every minute?
Or do I want to find out that, yes, it is all shit, so I can easily and with a free conscious walk away and return to the emptiness and peaceful existence I used to dwell in.
Like an ameba who figures out how to work the TV remote and then has the channel stuck on the Polka Network.
It is new, but is it good, and how do you go back if it isn’t?
Again, these are really not big problems.
But they seem to be the biggest ones I have.
And I can’t even believe in them for long.
They pass.
It is the not knowing if they are coming back which sucks.
I know.
Blah blah blah.
The good old deep thoughts and interesting prose have been replaced by self-centered crap.
Pity.
