Brood

Fun times for all. And even more for some. Adventure, that ageless goal of the wicked and the daring, still calls. Sometimes it calls quietly, and you have to really pay attention to hear it. Sometimes it is so loud that is cannot be ignored.

“You can never go back”. Sure. And why would you want to, right? I mean, you were there, and now are here, so you must have left for a reason.

Come on, people! Get on the ball! Get in the game!

Screw that. Things are circular in life sometimes. It really isn’t that we can’t go back, it is more like we have to come all the way around to get there again.

I find myself assaulted with the past knowledge and wisdom of a damaged scholar and dreamer; “Ain’t My Troll!”

We shall see, won’t we? All those trivial trailers to the events of life are now on the marquee of our existence. The movie of your life. Popcorn farts and sticky floors.

I can’t wait for the sequel!

Knight takes Rook

I went to see that movie Closer. Cool. Very interesting. And I am not just talking about seeing Ms Portman pole dancing, though that was a definite bonus (hubba hubba!). It was the witty banter and quick conversations. Made me want to talk to people. So out I went into the wild night, drank some scotch and listened to some Jazz. But what the heck? I think things are a changing. As they should be, right? The holidays are getting near, and I am a little curious to see how things will play out in regards to some interpersonal relationships that will be made face to face when I return for the festivities. Bring out your dead. Dance naked. Think and feel, and Bring the Noise. I am not worried, as these things ARE going to happen. But I just hope that I am up for the challenges. Not in some mean, violent way, but rather that my fuel tanks are full with patience and calmness. I would like to make things better. But I am not sure if it is my move. Checkmate.

Just Thinking

Fear has always been a part of life. For most of us, it comes and goes. I have some personal interaction with it. When I was younger, I used to be afraid all the time. Not of anything specific, but just a general background fear. And this fear didn’t really have that much affect on my day to day activities. It is like someone born with, say, only one hand. They adapt, move on and can live normally in the big old world around them. Thinking back it was like my background fear was just higher than most of those I interacted with. Like having a faster pulse rate or something. So, as I said I was able to function fine, basically unaware that I was with this fear because I didn’t know of anything different. But as I grew I could see the difference.

Jumping ahead to the now, things are so changed. The alteration might have been gradual, but again it is something that I failed to notice. It reminds me of that sad, broken hearted feeling you can have when your lover and you part. Your world is crushed. You’ll never love again. Blah blah blah. You spend nights near the phone hoping that she’ll call and days trying to figure out how to win her back. Then one day you wake up and wonder if there are any Clint Eastwood movies on the TV. Not only did you not notice the feelings change, you didn’t even get to revel in the fact that they did. Life just sort of moved on. This is the same thing with this fear. It is gone. I don’t really remember when it left. I know it was a while ago. In its place is contentment. Faith? Not so much that everything is going to be ok, as I often say, but more that even if things go to shit, that I will still be ok. Even if I fail or loose or falter. Or fear.

I had to go through the past to make the present me as I am. Like everyone does. The good, strong and loyal people I have had in my life helped guide me. I learned from their courage. I just hope they felt the better for the exchange also. You know that old saying of Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself? It ranks right up there, as truisms go.

I see you Baby, shaking that ass!

I feel like dancing. Really boogieing. And even though the simple act of gyration can induce near ritualistic body movements and a feeling of physical freedom, I seek it for other reasons. To explore. To release. To fulfill something in my life that has been starving lately. I danced a bit last weekend. But this is different. Maybe I need to do it alone in a mirrored room where I can cascade into my own consciousness, seeking visions and truths. Or maybe in a crowd where you just lean into everyone else as if one mass, part of the entire world.

Or maybe, and this is just a thought, it isn’t actually dancing that I need at all….

Thoughts of the Past.

Another fine weekend.

Rolled some dice and nerded out.

Sipped some scotch and milled about.

Thought, laughed, read and danced.

A little flirtation. A little retaliation.

Some doubt to round it out and some hope to add the shout.

All and all, a fine time. But the surface breaks and the sneaky boiling sea of wanting and hunger is yawning as it wakes.

Will it break free? Should I even try to hold it back?

“Tune in next week, true believers…”

Hell. I watched Footloose and liked it. What has happened to the once cool and magical me? (..let’s hear it for the boy…)

Heat

Feeling a bit naughty. Must be all the reading of exciting writings I have been filling today up with. And it has affected me. But no real outlet. Not for me. I just keep heaping the fuel on the fire. And I burn with no end in sight.

Can’t imagine the future. It is always so hard to know. Because my present is so variable. No sure things here. Roll the dice and hope to get lucky. I say hope, not pray, because that would be like begging, and I only beg when told to.

"She got friendly, down in the sand"

Sweet Chaos. I paid my respects to those dire deities of the fields of probability, randomness and luck. A little wild fun, some chips thrown carelessly and karaoke.

Big dreams and big thoughts do not necessarily create big days and nights. Too bad, because I surely have some huge moments of imagination. But ain’t that just the way things go? So, ‘tip a pint, swish a shot. Smile at them chicks a lot’. Just remember where you parked and keep the ticket stubs. The road of life has a fast lane, but it also has really good truck stops. A little fun can go a long way towards tickling the Reaper.

And, as a side note; take the time to play with a ferret if the chance comes your way.

Population Plus One

Congratulations and Salutations! Welcomed to the world is the New Face. The cycle continues, the pot is raised, and the world still turns. Groovy. Remember that it is the little feet that will be taking the Big Steps. Little smiles that will light the world.

Reality Mathematics

Nothing new in the world. Well, unless you count the myriad scientific mysteries and theological conundrum which are wondered upon, thought through, figured out and then spat back into the ether from wench it came when we wake. I dreamt of the dead last night. A good feeling in that you get to visit those who no longer share your world. But bad in reminding you of the absence.

Now that I am thinking of gain-loss tracking, I must admit I am up, but not as much as I once was. I think. It is only recently that I have started to keep track. Maybe the urge to extrapolate the future must be tempered with patience, and just see what will be by being there. The same for before. The past is not what really happened. Our pasts are each altered by our interpretations. Good. I like a well-told story.

Empty

Filling the Void, left by the noise of the passing of the past. Whoosh! There is it goes and it goes to stay. Away.

If time is an illusion, which I heard it could be, then why is the line between the then and the now so darn solid in presentation?

Maybe to keep us honest.

So many. So much.

In the immortal words of Iggy;

“Most of all, I didn’t want to take anymore shit. Not ever.”

Quotes of the Heart

Its not enough to conquer, one must know how to seduce.

-Voltaire

Absence is to love as wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small and kindles the great.

-Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

Soul meets soul on lover's lips.

-Percy Blythe Shelley

Ever thine,

Ever mine,

Ever for each other.

-Beethoven

Her lips on his could tell him better than all her stumbling words.

-Margaret Mitchell

You may conquer with the sword, but you are conquered by a kiss.

-Daniel Heinsius

When thinking about certain someones, why are our mouths silent and our hearts screaming.

-Will Martin

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.

-Plato

If you don't want Jerry's peaches, don't shake his tree!

-Jerry Lee Lewis

Guess I am just feeling romantic, and had to put some thoughts to screen.

Love. Luck. Lust. What more do we search for?

"What the Hell?"

No. really. What the Hell? Why can't things make sense? What is the reason that people are so messed up? I mean, really. It is enough to test one's ability to continue to try to care. Makes you want to just give up, buy a bottle and kick a dog. So the end is unknown and what might be still might be. Big whoop-dee-doo! Sell me another. I know this one thing; even if the future might be bright, if the here and now is dark, you can't see shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sooooo deep. Well, it's that kind of a piss off and die day. Enjoy your dreams of a better world. Me? I'm stocking up on bandaids and tissues.

The New Age

Here again. Seeing the sun before my friends and loved ones. Looking forward to adventure but waiting to get going. And the waiting will continue. I miss and I am missed, but really it is a good thing and a warm'n'fuzzy. Let the New in. All the way.

"Suckie Suckie?" 

Sing the Truth or Hum the Worst

Another simple moment of reflection leading to the sudden and nearly violent perversion of the illusionary safety folding and caressing my sadistically glowing brittle miniature sense of self and world domination plans. Pass the beer nuts.

ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 

Wanna Race?

The evil flows so silently tonight. My veins are pumping. The booze is there. But I feel no draw. No end. No, …Next. It doesn’t matter. It never has. But the evil is there. It always has been. Do I like it? Do I need it? Do I care about it? No one thinks of himself or herself in the face of IT so you can never attain a personal outlook on this.

Basically, we race unwittingly towards the finish line, blind to the scenery and oblivious to the competition. Pity. I bet we look good with the attempt.

"Wasted and Wounded" 

Feel the Way

Nothing is ever simple, and I think that is something we sould all be thankful for. The test of things is what gives us our chance to be better. Learning and growing are not the only goals in a personal sense, and the future isn't anything but a bet. So roll with the punches, explore the needs and dreams and wants. Remember to smile. Remember to dare. Or is it just to dare to smile? Hum? Guess there is still stuff to figure out. Good.

"this little piggy" 

Rant 003

I feel the world turning. We all know it is turning, the same way we all know lots of stuff, like other people have feelings, like there are tiny tiny tiny bugs on everything we eat, like we are all going to be dead and gone one day. And even though we all know all this stuff, we can go through life acting without this knowledge affecting our actions at all times. This is normal and needed to operate in this world sometimes. Sure, at times we realize and are affected, and certain other times we should have be conscious of these and other things. But right now I have that come-and-go awareness. Like waking up. I feel the world turn, and I am looking forward to what is coming next.

"Not as we see it." 

Mirror Mirror

Statements are dangerous. Statements of thought, feeling or desire. It is because we all think things, all day and we can actually switch and flip on subjects during an hour, day or week, especially if it is an important but difficult issue. And when we state something, that feeling, that opinion, that particular view is captured in the laying down. Does this one recording fully encapsulate a fully detailed and introspective mind? No. Like one word quickly flipped to in a book can't tell the whole story. Add to this the way we can grow, change, deal with shit and over come obstacles, and anything we leave behind us, be it a word, a picture, even a relationship, isn’t really the same now compared to the new person that greets the reflection.

I can admit I have been wrong. Very wrong. And I know I will be wrong again. But I also know that I am not always wrong and woe to any who mistakenly try to prove to me that I am.

Dare 

Seeing is believing

Last night was a nice touch of what could be. What it is for the others. Not really my style, but you could see that they were happy. That they believed in what they did. I have a hard time believing in anything. Not so much because I do not see the validity of things, I just again find it difficult to care. But I try sometimes and I can see it work in others sometimes. And that might just be enough.

"Feeling...better...ahhh....." 

Ass

Being an ass is a blast. It must be as so many are. I couldn't believe that all those asses out there are just the victims of bad luck, poor judgment or happenstance. Shit. Maybe they are. Maybe I am. Am I an ass? Rhetorical question. I just know that I feel a bit out of sorts. Sort of wrong done by, but with that annoying underlying feeling of it all being my fault. That is the worst part, I tell ya. It is one thing for the world to take a shit on you. It is another to sit there with your mouth open. Idiot.

O-K, P-A-R-T-Y T-I-M-E!!! 

Sunny Morning Rock

All the world is a stage. Heard that before? I bet it had been tossed around long before somebody decided to write it down for a bit of wit. As I wake to the glow of that burning ball, out there in space, I think of the veils which shadow our eyes even in such a light. The shadows have been thicker, in the dark, in the past, but they still obscure.

If they are drawn aside a touch while the stage is populated, giving vision to that which is normally hidden, maybe even the poorest of entertainment can enlighten.

"..I get tired of thinking of all things things I don't want to be..." 

Rant 002

Doing nothing is nothing like it is said to be. First off, it seems to be a lot of work. Secondly, it might not be as bad as it is thought to be. Or said to be, actually, because those who say are supposed to know and if they know then they also know that this nothingness isn't anywhere near as shity as it has been described to be. Made a villain in the eye of the public. And why is that? Is it because if we fail to do something, then we will ruin what has been done before? Is it like some cosmic house of cards.

Whatever. I have found I have an ability to do nothing, and we should embrace whatever skills and abilities we have on our side, and we have to get all we can out of this odd orb until we leave it.

As the wise and slightly piercing Platinum Yum-Yum would say; Yup.

"Smell the Goodness" 

Dirt

Messy. Ugly. Smelly. Rotten. Shit. Poo. Filth. Yucky. Sticky. Slimy. Greasy.

Bad Bad Bad!

And somehow we reproduce. Injecting our own goo and mixing it up and SPLAT, another little turd slides onto the field, ready to take and need and use. Ready to pollute. Ready to take up space, use up stuff and cost cash, while faking to think and pretending to feel.

If only a baby shower included some soap.

"Never happen? Maybe you're right. But then again....." 

Zip Zap Zup

I like to think of things in terms of probabilities. But this breaks down if you think either small or large enough. Like the universe, eh? Pretty big. Pretty old (so, big in all four space time dimensions). But add to that the theory of continuous recreation or even the more brutal thought of eventual total entropy, and the very idea of something happening by chance or not by chance sinks to the fact that everything that can will eventually happen. Probably.

"Eek Eek! Can I have a banana?!" 

Black and Blue

"Never trust a monkey..."

It is this slight spit of wisdom that must be formed into an edible wedge. Never has it been so off and on. And will it be so again? Can anyone in the know get past this to sleep, even one night, without the knock on the window warning of the grim hopeless hunger beating you to the punch.



Hell. I don't know. But then again I am well protected by indifference.

"Sweet Chaos, the real deal."